Point of View From This Point

Dear Friends,
I'm borrowing my mothers computer as mine is in use as it usually is this time of day by my sister. I cant wait to have my own computer again come Sept I will but till then I must steal moments here and there on my own and others the same.

I over heard earlier at the library this lady saying to a lady who worked at the library that she "needed more time" and "you cant buy more time". How true is that? Never enough time in a day to do all we want to do and think all we want to think and be all we want to be. Time is precious. Its unique as every minute is different the last. And every day different then the one before. Thinking deeply about this we might be more careful with what we do with our time if we realized how precious it truly was. Our last day could be tomorrow as we are all appointed a time to die who knows when that will be.

This could be my last Wednesday for a while where I am free to do what I want. Starting next week LL will be open again 7 days a week till begining of Sept. This is busy season and I am counting on hours that I dont even have yet anxious to see how many I will get. How many I get is how I base what i can acutally save for and how much. I need to with this next check after the one on the 1st begin to save for my internship, my computer & my ipod. Already this week I work Fri, Sat & Sun which might not be a lot to some people but when I was barely getting ONE day a week for the last two its paradise. And thankfully our half off day falls not on the 1st like I thought but the 15th so I have a chance to get some of the stuff I wanted to get after all. I am very excited by that. Top off with my phone is working again and that is great. Sure I will be spending June and part of July paying back Melody & mom for the things of Rainbow ut will be glad when its done. July & August will be the best hours at the park when its open so late I wont be leaving till close to 10pm. Sure I wont have a life anymore but I love work and crave the whole thing so much that i do not care. I will miss reading books, and watching tv. But honeslty when I have the time to do it as I have for the past month I dont do it as often as I would if I had no time at all. Makes no sense but I have A.D.D. and this is how I work...

I just opened another livejournal account (monkeytalking). This one to work on dealing with my past and issues and growing up. Just for that and nothing else. I am working on me and changing. I truly dont think i will be ready to marry if i dont work on things that need so much work i dont know if the world will wait long enough. I know i will never be perfect but I do need to work on it. I am so far from perfect its impossible to just sit there, smile and try to claim i am perfect so there.

I am wondering even now why my dad wants to write kids books. Do they seem easier then adult books? I think its strange for someone who doesnt read kids books to suddenly want to write them. It makes sense for me and even when Mel begins to write to want to write YA and kids books. I want to write picture books too although I havent shown as big an interested in them as I used to when we lived in TN. But still I want to write kids books cause I love reading them and I cant imagine not reading them and I rarely read anything else little alone adult books especially not fiction. Although I read adult non-fiction books and the only kinda christian books I really read are adult non-fiction. I tried to read some adult fiction christian books last year and I couldnt do it but I did try. I have read successfully a few regular fiction books for adults but then I come back to kids bks. So many good ones out there and so man good ones to come. So I can see this is the type of books i want to write. i have written since 2008 now for the November novel writing month books and all were kids/young adults books. See what i mean? Anyways to each his own and if he wants to write that kinda books he can fine with me but i just dont get it. I could see him maybe writing short stories. I hear you should start out with short stories first for kids to get the hang of it and to get your name out there. But who knows what he has heard as he is actually still doing his writing programs as I am only speaking from reading writing books and magazines and articles.

I guess the biggest thing is I am finally trying to learn about myself more. As a Christian, as a person and as a person now back home and back in this state. I never thought I would come back here and if I did I never thought it would be at our home. So I am looking into planning to move out again and closer to LA. I am going to intern again if it kills me this Winter (or Spring hopeful for Winter). I dont want to be back at LL after this Winter if I can help it except if they take me on for good then I will keep this and get another job too. I have big plans, God has big plans and in the end I want to be in His plans and succeed as I have failed so much in all plans in the past few years.

I guess I could look back and say well it wasnt Gods plan we moved to TN, AZ and back here and nothing was Gods plan. But then I truly admit that i believe that even if we danced outside His Will plans that we still are in His plans. So it all works out as it should even if we dont understand or agree with it. We are always in Gods plans in His will. It is best for our lives even if we dont understand it.

So on the side I am reading a quote book, a Ralph Waldo Emerson Book and now "Captivating" this Christian womans book read few years ago but bought today for $.5o awesome price loved it last time but has been a while so its like reading it a new. That means if I can get my writing note taking going again I will be reading: a quote book, a emerson book, a christian book, writing books, books about my past (parents) AND my actual fiction young adult books. Thats a lot of reading. I'm up for it of course...

Because you cant buy time but you can make the most of it and all you have. Sleep a lot but dream a lot and plan a lot and succeed in all you do no matter how much time you have in the day, hour, month, week year and your life! :)

Dear Friends,
Im at work gonna be exhausted working on only sleep I got. But its been one of them days. Got cheaper movie tickets, and my pass so I can get 20 people in for free. Then I was really trying to sleep for real when I recalled i had to turn on my phone & text mom something. Then I saw an update that really shocked me!
My best friend of nearly 14yrs had she not exited me out of her life is now pregnant & due soon. I didnt know of course as we dont talk. So now Im wondering if she was pregnant last yr when she wrote me that nasty letter? If so I would have been more understanding! She was for sure when she wrote me the last time in Dec. I am sad as I thought I would still be a part of her life when this began. I am upset she got rid of me we she could have needed me most (here I thought I only needed her). I dont know if it means anything at all. Im happy for her. Even if I wont say boo to her about it I will keep her in prayer.

If I only knew maybe it would be different...

Today really is Monday. I thought it was an okay day aside from not getting enough sleep after it took me 2hrs to fall asleep this morning. My sisters tax check came so she can file. I found out (bad) won't have hrs at work till next week but (good) I'm on call. My sister could still get her missing tb check afterall. Then the bad. We went to pay storage unit and instead of getting a $20 credit it only a $15 so now we have to go back wed talk to the mgr as to why we lost a day. So we lost $5 for now. Came home and all Hell broke loose. My handicapped sister pooped on the carpet and all over (mind you she's not little she's 25 yrs old!) While my poor mom was cleaning my sister up she pee'd on their bed. Now she's a mess, moms crying so much to clean up. Top off with light in our room (1 of 2) burning out and I have a bad headache.

Yes it's Monday and man does it suck!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear Friends,
My sister pointed out what I have been feeling. A tad be depressed. As its finally after being out here since Sept 13th that this is for good. We arent going back home. We arent going back to AZ. It doesnt help me but its finally hit me. I still miss it so much. I didnt get to say good bye. Its so unfair. I do not understand why this is happening. I'd die of shock if you had told me a year ago at this time that I would be moving back with my parents. I was getting so excited the broadcasting thing was in April I thought I would get a job in AZ for a few yrs. I was sure after interning I would get an offer. Or I would intern again and would be currently doing it then I would get experience. Move out here on my own not to OS but to LA. I figured i was this close. God brought me full circle I guess. Back to where i began. To deal with issues, to learn to live at home again, to learn to live and grow and figure things out. To get rid of crap in my heart, my life and even my own junk I own. And then to get my career going then husband and family. Who knows how long it will last.

But it doesnt make it easier that we are still here. It doesnt. I need to start working again. Not just cause I am SO BROKE (I have $5 to my name!) but I am SO BORED. The whole family is sick so my sister doesnt feel like doing stuff like bike riding or even workin on the garage. I am grateful as of Friday we will have jobs and I hope as of next week hours to work. Even a few here and there. We both NEED checks on the 23rd so we have to work some next week and the following to get the $$ we need.

God will work things out. I dont understand it all. Until then I just sit here and try to relax and eventually begin to move again. I'm still stuck in shock mode but maybe for once if I can just realize its for good I can go from shock to moving on...

Growing up SUCKS!!

Dear Friends,
I wanted to take the time out to say that I think it should ALWAYS be Merry Christmas. Changing it to Xmas makes it seem like you are Xing out Jesus from the real reason. I dont care if X CAN stand for Jesus it in the end is peoples way of saying they dont want Christ in Christmas. In my opinion dont celebrate something you dont agree with. This goes for Easter too. It would be like celebrating say HALLOWEEN when you dont believe in it or do anything about it. I'm serious. There are two holidays that get people on edge. And I get more upset about the way Christmas is being turned into this day only about Santa Claus.

Okay dont get me wrong. I get there are others who dont celebrate. Jews and others who dont celebrate. Or those who believe in nothing. But when we started saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas when I still worked for Barnes & Noble over 10 yrs ago I found it annoying.

My sister goes to a job where even ornaments on the tree are Holiday Ornaments? I only realized yesterday we also at LL sell them. Why are they called HOLIDAY oranmanets? They go on a CHRISTMAS TREE. Thats lame. Thats taking it too far. I think in trying to NOT offend we are offending all the more. But people would rather NOT offend those who believe in nothing, Jews or others then offend the Christians. The ones who get the biggest picked on time.

Yes Santa Claus existed once I dont think you should keep kids from believing in him his spirit is alive even today. But I dont want this to be a holiday about him.

Gift giving is like when Jesus was given presents. The Candy Cane has a background in Christian stuff too. So in doing these things you are therefore doing stuff as a Christian. Even at least half our Christmas Carols if not more are about Jesus Christ birth. Again why and how can anyone sing songs like First Noel, Joy to the World and others and then claim they dont believe or arent celebrating the REAL reason for Christmas. It makes me upset.

I am sick of trying to sit here and pretend I am not upset about this. Whats next? They arent Christmas Carols they are Holiday Carols? How about Holiday Tree not Christmas Tree.

YOU CANT TAKE CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS!

Its one thing to try to wish people a happy holiday. Its another to take Christ out of Christmas with a BIG FAT X then expect people to smile about it.

It.Is.NOT. Merry XMAS! It is Merry CHRISTMAS. Those who X it arent doing it as a sign of Christ. They are doing it to NOT OFFEND themselves or others by having CHRIST in CHRISTMAS.

Okay I think I feel better. I had a LONG LONG week. Ended with singing in our Christmas Choir. This was the biggest blessing. It was like singing worship songs to Jesus Christ and doing that for others. I hope I blessed others by blessing Him. I dont sing super great but I had so much fun. SO MUCH FUN. I hope they will sell me a copy of the performance or give me one I would LOVE THAT. Even if the camera does add like 15 pounds :p

I'm off work till Tue then I work 23hrs this week. Woohoo. Hope they keep me after the 9th of Jan I LOVE my job!! :)) Shall see...

Michael Jackson The Experience Wii Game

Dear Friends,
I'm sitting in my dads new office. It's a Saturday night and the most exciting thing I can do is listen to my iPod and read books. We moved in as planned Tuesday but nothing else is planned. With no cable, tv, wifi or phones our lives are silent. I have so much tv to catch up on now. We have the wii set up and can watch DVDs but nothing else. And with my ADD I cant just read in silence it's unnerving. I can't unpack much since I haven't got much space of a room. It rained today, I lost hours at work, two Mels tires went flat on the freeway so I got late and she had to get 4 new tires. I'm not super shocked since we haven't dealt with tires since TN. But still today sucked. I will be lucky to have a check size of mine today next time. Life sucks and nothing is working out. I miss my best friend who abandoned me 2 months ago. I don't really like this house and feel like I'm stuck in my own personal hell. Okay I'm done and going to bed even if this wont post for a few days...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear Me,
Call ME crazy but I believe that I have 5 me's and they are not acting like one person anymore. For every place I ever lived I had a "me". So this is my life and its divided like this a different person for each place:

1. Me of Anaheim-birth till Nov 2006
2. Me of Oceanside Nov 2006 to Nov 2007
3. Me of Tennesse Nov 2007 to July 2010
4. Me of Arizona July 2010 to September 2010
5. Me of Oceanside September 2010 till present

I have moved FIVE times in FIVE years. How crazy is that? As of the 3rd being today it has been 4 yrs since we moved to TN. We moved into this house in 2006 Nov 18th. I think its so strange a person who had never moved before but has now in 5 yrs lived in 5 diff places (one place twice be this one...)

I am not who I was in Anaheim, or Oceanside or TN, or AZ. Who I am now is the person trying to figure who I am now back in Oceanside.

I know there is some big part of Gods plan and this will eventually make sense. But until it does if it ever does I have to sit here and try to figure things out. I really dont know who I am anymore.

In Me #1 Anaheim I thought I knew-entertainment broadcaster living in Los Angeles. I was going to save up money while working a part time job (hahaha even with credit cards growing list!) and eventually get a car and move out. I swear this one alone is funny as I didnt get you need to make more than you spend okay then...

In Me #2 I wanted to just survive. I was independece from our parents who were fighting with us 24/7. I went back to school which made me happy I was learning dance and music. I was working at Barnes & Noble and later Legoland. Our first yr out here was good & bad all at once!

In Me #3 I moved out with my sister and our pets and all our stuff (not knowing one day we would be back or we wouldnt have brought it ALL). I settled down I made a ton of friends, I was happy. I went to school and now can still intern anywhere no need to go to school to intern I can just do it.

In Me #4 I was trying to figure it out. I got an internship, we got to live rent free for a yr as a our parents were paying the rent. But it was HARD. I couldnt get a job minus my worked 2 shifts job at B&B. Mel found a job she loved I never did. I dont regret it at all.

In Me #5 present day I cant even unpack boxes! We have been here nearly 2 months and I havent seen most of the stuff I brought with me. Unless it came in suitcases or backpacks. I dont even know who I am anymore. Or how to combo 1,2,3,4,5 into a big huge ONE PERSON!

See why I am confused? I am different then I ever was before and yet with all these changes, lives, moves, I am confused and dont really know who i am anymore. I cant even get a grip on reality little alone dreams and such.

Okay thats all for now...

Dear friends,
It seems God has brought us low again. Did we wonder in the desert for a year to prepare us for being here again? 4 yrs we was saying good bye to this place now we are trying to again. And fighting tooth and nail to get out so much keeps going wrong. I try to find meaning in all these things why they happened and so on. But in the end i need to trust God even as I don't understand knowing His will is all I need and should want in the end!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear Friends,
Been wanting to come write on here for a while. The site had issues which freaked me out made me think this would be gone quickly. But it is not which I am glad. Change is okay and in the end I am just glad to get my thoughts out there even if no one listens or reads this.

Its hard to believe its been a year since we moved out here and I am now back to not knowing about work again. My internship ended all too quickly and now as of Monday I will be back to not working not interning.I do not know what God has planned for us but I still feel hopeless. My poor sis is now the only one working and she has two jobs and yet we still cant make rent on the 1st! Wheres that check in the mail? Wheres the money from the sky? Our faith is to be tested again and again. And with no results we are still giving up hope. Prayers hitting the ceiling.

I have cried a lot this past week mostly over the fact I could not secure a job after this internship. But I must recall what I knew from the beginning: I went into there to get EXPERIENCE. I may not have been paid and had to pay to go in each day (for public transportation). Maybe I didnt get a job. But I got what I couldnt get for years. I mean it YEARS. I didnt intern while in college. I had issues trying for internship while in TN. So if nothing else NOTHING ELSE I came away with stuff I hadnt gotten.

That said I am still sad. My dream was work in a station. I do have one thing I didnt have before: Where I want to be. Eventually its still working in entertain broadcasting which will have to wait till California. I want to work in Productions. I have decided it. Behind the scenes, master control, writing scripts. THIS is what I am interested in! I dont have the "looks" for a reporter (I'm being honest as its true!). When I get to work in entertainment broadcasting I will work where its okay to not have "looks". I am thinking maybe TMZ they dont care there but there are a few shows and most are in Los Angeles. Until then I will work on getting more experience interning or working in this field. I have something I didnt have in May and thats what I need to recall. It may be over but my foot stopper is still in the door even if the foot has left. I havent lost what I had. I know my mentor at the job said she gave me a good "review" for my school.

I must now stop and think of all the steps I have taken to get here. I have been thinking a lot latelly about kids today and how they dont have what I had. Me and my sister had huge imaginations. The days before video games, internet, ipods, ipads, cell phones any kind, etc we had imagination. We rode bikes, built tents out of blankets, danced to records in our rooms and sometimes cassette tapes (if you dont know those came before cds), watched saturday morning cartoons, did drawings, coloring books, wrote funny stories, walked upside down through the house, climbed walls, sat on dressers, made sleeping bags into snail shells, the list goes on and on. Today kids play video games, go on their ipods, go online and dont experience all I had in the simplier days of the 80's and 90's.

Back to my steps: when I was little I wanted to be a vet, a writer, an illustrator, a teacher. Then as a I got older I realized I couldnt be all that so it was teacher & writer. Then after a year of college and a bit of confussion I decided writer. Sometimes I wonder why I couldnt have just stuck with writer as it would have made life easier. But lifes funny that way.

From that I did my college, graduated in 2004 but didnt intern. My next attemps to intern was in 2007 going to Mira Costa College in Oceanside got my credits and tried to intern at ONE station. Why didnt I try more than one? Well they were picky back then and didnt just take anyone. Moved to TN and in 2008 went 4 months to CSB. I worked on my demo after graduation and had the school NOT CLOSED in March 2009 I would have interned with them. Worked hard then with CSB in Georgia to get an internship. I tried a lot. I failed at FOX, I failed at CBS5, and I failed at MTV. I couldnt do some cause they required health insurance. I gave up moved out here. I had a deadline by January 2011 and nothing happened but I tried. I gave up till a failed job fair in April made me ask CSB in GA again if I could try to. They worked with me, I tried all the stations out here. But the one that got me was FOX. Yes FOX the one station I failed at in TN is what took me here. And I fell in love. And I am glad I did it I truly am.

Now I am back to where I was before but changed, different. I think thats the most important thing. Not that i am back to where I was 8 months ago, but that I am back here and different. Experience to put behind me, things to say to people. Sure I havent been "working" but I've been interning. Maybe I can use this for jobs that think I havent been working since December who knows.

Job fair done, interviews none, internship done. Nothing to hope for. But every day EVERY DAY I must recall to keep going not giving up. And still remembering to use my imagination, work on my writing and reading. And keep doing what I wanted to since I was very small!